


Breeziest Wingman

by TheOtherSecondOne



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, College AU, Humanstuck, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-02-24 07:43:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2573720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOtherSecondOne/pseuds/TheOtherSecondOne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are John Egbert and you are the best friend and wingman Dave Strider will ever know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Honey Barbecue Chicken Wings

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So this is my first homestuck fanfiction, I hope it's alright! I haven't written a fiction in a few years and I miss typing so I figure I'll give this another go. Please don't mind the rare-pairs, they provide me with adequate entertainment. Enjoy!

It is a grossly hot April afternoon, sometime after your birthday, when Dave invites you up to his apartment. Presumably he is going to teach you what “real barbecue” tastes like but having lived in Austin for half a year now, you have your doubts he can impress you. You normally make an effort to hang out with Dave once week, it's almost like an appointment, but specifically so the pressure of college doesn't ruin you both. Thus, on the weekends, you make the roughly three hour drive down to Houston and spend some John and Dave time with your best bro.

You look forward to these dates the most. They help keep you sane when deadlines and screenplays are due in quick succession because studying filmography is unreasonably draining and Dave just doesn't listen. He seems to be convinced that after graduating, you’re going straight into porn and will be so busy with the genitals of others that you won’t have time for this prick. Normally you’re good with gauging his intentions but you genuinely can’t tell if he’s being ironic or sincere with the worry. Personally it warms your heart but you will never let him know how much you appreciate the concern.

Currently you are sitting on his couch playing your 24th round of street fighter to see who’s on dish duty. You are awful at this and since Dave vetoed school when he graduated secondary, he has all the time in the world to be practicing his combos – in between his “sick gigs” of course. He’s totally creaming you with Chun-Li and you have never had such a vendetta against a fictional character before. When Sagat is smashed into the ground with another combo you decide this is enough. The controller is politely put on the ground and suddenly the video game brawl has escalated into a tickling/pinching/noogie fight, as most of your battles do. With a face full of elbow and a hand full of Dave's aviators, the door opens with a commanding 'click'.

In waltzes Dirk with two large bags full of what seem to be hardware, behind him is a lankier looking boy with two-tone shades and an offensive overbite, also carrying bags. Dirk walks by you with no more than a nod but the darker skinned boy lingers enough to audibly snicker at Dave. You assume they know each other by the short exchange they share and the obvious start on your bro's normally straight face. This stranger looks familiar to you. 

Dirk and the familiar stranger disappear into the room at the end of the hallway and you are left in a heavy silence as the blonde boy beside you looks after them.

“Dude if you stare any harder your, eyeballs are going to break through your shades” Dave moves to stand and you follow after him, the war effectively ended. Chasing after him, you continue, “So who's that heart throb?” Your tongue is between your teeth and your best bro is giving you his best 'I don't care but really I do' look through reflective lenses.

“Listen close Egbutt, the bag of wires and copper pipes that you just saw waltz into Bro's study is Sollux Captor” Oh, you knew about Sollux, he’s one of Karkat's friends. You’re in an elective computing class with the two, you'd talked maybe twice. What is he doing hanging out with Dirk? “He is witty, snarky, bi-polar, and a complete genius with a computer.”

You stare at him for a second, waiting for the punchline. Those are all actually not terrible qualities and if you didn't know any better you'd think Dave was COMPLIMENTING the guy. Arching an eyebrow you lay down your quarries. “So....? Do you owe him blood money? Is he your supplier? The Dr.Dre to your Marshal Doesn't-Matter?” He stares blankly. “Dude honestly, what's up with you?” 

“Maybe one day when you're older, mommy can tell you all about the world and basic social interaction. Now run along and play ghost busters with the cat while mommy takes care of the delicious Texan cuisine ” He's paying attention to the marinating meat now but you still have a question.

“What kind of grown up things bro? Like... butt-stuff?” He effectively stills and you're positive his behavior is some weird Strider mating ritual. Is this it? Have you finally caught the wild Strider in the act of coupling? In layman's terms:

Is Dave interested in Sollux?

“Bro you know if you need advice or to confide in me I'm always around right?”

“Oh my fucking god is John-I-Dated-A-Girl-One-Time-Egbert trying to give me relationship advice because I will get on my knees and lick these tiles clean for some of those golden nuggets of information.” He's not looking at you but his tone is steady while his hands visibly shake around the wings. “If I had fucking known that the master of spunk and stardust was gracing me with his unrivaled know-how about the most basic of human emotions today, I would have brought out the good toilet paper. Shit, we’d be eating these babies on the best china, hell I’d even get Bro to clean his shit up from the attic. Vacuum a little, throw down some spray paint, sacrifice my virgin ass to the oracle of mother-fucking love.” You’re frowning at his profile, then make the effort to talk over him.

“I'm offering myself as your bro not as your marriage counselor” He deflates slightly “Dude I'm just saying if you need someone to talk to we're best friends, can you not trust me or what?”

Just when you think Dave is going to turn around and properly explain the situation to you, an audible and nasally “gay” interrupts the moment. You whip around to find Sollux snickering with a water bottle he has just picked up.

“Having boy problems TG? We've all been there.” Downing half the drink, Sollux is quiet for long enough that Dave can compose himself and turn to face him.

“Yeah but not all of us have shit taste in men. Otherwise I'd be fawning after your lack of ass” You can hear the nerves in Dave’s voice (years of practice) and you wonder if Sollux can to. He smirks and waggles his eyebrows, maybe he can? Maybe it’s just a Strider thing and he picked it up from Dirk? Or maybe these two spend more time together than you know, after all you didn't even know they knew each other ten minutes ago.

“It'th a good thing you have thhit tathte in men then huh?” His lisp is so thick you’re almost sure his tongue is swollen. “Anyway, if you work up the ballth to athk me out, my numberth in your phone” Sollux disappears back into the study with an audible trail of snickering in his wake. Dave is stoic except for his death grip on the counter and you are completely floored by the visible shaking of his knees.

Waiting until you hear the door close down the hall, you turn to your host. “So, he's not the usual type, huh?” Dave relaxes his hands from behind him and shakes his head in response. “Do you know if he's ACTUALLY interested, or is that the same schtick you pull?” The silence lasts longer than it should, his final response to the situation is turning back to the counter and laying his face down in the bowl of chicken wings. Go figure the spit twister in the other room is giving him mixed messages and Dave’s sarcasm is probably just as misleading. You wrap an arm around the huddle of best friend and try to pull him out of the honey-garlic sauce. 

“Are we going to eat those, or are you going to drown yourself in the marinade?”


	2. Vegetarian Pad-Thai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're unsure if Sollux is really the type of guy you can allow to date your best friend but everyone deserves a chance, might as well give him one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, so I'm thinking for update schedule I'll have a chapter on Wednesday and one on Sunday. It shouldn't be a super long fic, so hopefully I'll be done it in another week or so!

It had been roughly a month since an ambrosial lunch at Dave’s place. Since then you’d been given the run down of his weird affections, properly introduced yourself to Sollux Captor and done reconnaissance for your best bro. In fact, you were on a re-con mission right now, eating lunch in the food court at your university.

Sollux Captor is apparently everything Dave had explained him to be. He’s much smarter than anyone you know and he’s well aware of it. He also has some kind of odd appeal to him, not physical attractiveness (he’s too tall and thin for that) but some kind of intrigue that keeps you around for more than your duty as a wing-man. The tech-whiz is super witty and has an affinity for puns and lame jokes but always seems to instantly regret making them. Contradictions like that are a constant with Sollux, something you'd have to properly gauge before you could give your bro away with a dowry. Karkat mentioned he was bipolar but that wasn't something you were too sure you could just ask about. 

You decide some more sleuthing is in order. You try to analyse him the way Jane taught you to as you fight with Karkat about cinema. 

“Karkat, ‘The Notebook’ is a prime example of a Nicolas Sparks movie and I just don’t think watching ‘The Best of Me’ is going to be any different. He’s got a formula and it’s sort of always the same. I’m just not interested in watching the same movie over and over again, at least not if it's crap. I’m sorry!”

“Johnald Fucking Egbert. You are uncultured swine and the fact that I associate with you at all is beyond me. Clearly in some past life I tormented you so fiercely, it completely scratched the universe to pieces and caused fate to favor your idiocy over common sense. My meeting you was a testament to my own appalling failure and clearly I am being condemned to suffer for my crimes.” 

You idly chew on another handful of fries as Karkat continues to barrage you with insults and self deprecation. Rolling your eyes, you turn your attention to Sollux. He’s eating some kind of tofu-noodle dish and you can’t help but examine his face. You’d been doing that a lot since you started talking, not just because his eyes were really cool but as part of your re-con. Had to recite every detail to Dave so he could “properly appreciate the grotesque humor of nature” or something. You’re pretty sure he got off to thinking about Sollux and his stupid features.

“Thee thomething you like EB?” You had zoned out staring at him. A dangerous mistake. “I mean I don’t normally hit guyth with tathte thimillar to KK’th but I might make an extheption” He’s giving you that eyebrow waggle he’s so fond of. You feel your phone buzz in your pocket.

You had actually been contemplating going through with a plan you'd devised. The buzzing in your pocket was no doubt Dave trying to convince you otherwise but if there's one person who knows what Dave needs it's you. You ignore the stream of vibrations and lock eyes with Sollux through his tinted shades.

"Do you want to come down to Dave's this weekend?" His smirk fades around his fork full of noodles and he's staring at you now. That's not an entirely pleasant expression either. Your phone keeps buzzing.

“Gay.” Sollux states in the voice he usually maintains for online gaming. 

“Sollux Captor you are the gayest thing in the milky way galaxy. You wake up in the morning to small chirping birds singing renditions of Careless Whisper. You brush your teeth with Hannah Montana tooth-paste and spunk from the night before. You shit rainbows and cry glitter and prance like you forgot a 8 inch dildo up your ass.”

“And that’th why I have every right to call the idea of thleeping in a bed with both Dave and thith athhole, the gayetht experienthce of my life” Maybe Dave furiously blowing up your phone with ‘no’s’ and variations of ‘you never loved me’ should have convinced you not to ask Sollux over. Your eyebrows furrow but it's too late to go back now, maybe you can fix this.

"I think it'll be fun! We can play video games and order pizza, or just hang out like bros! Karkat, you're invited too you know!" You're trying to convince even yourself now. Karkat was having none of it though.

“No John. That’s fucking stupid and I would rather choke on my own vomit than sit in a car with the two of you for more than ten minutes let alone three hours. You can promptly tell Dave to go fuck himself or you can do him for him. Save me the trouble.”

“The trouble of doing him?” Sollux asked, trying to suppress a snicker. 

“No, because that would be stepping on your toes, or are you still trying to hit his brother?” Karkat is sneering and you can feel a jolt down your back. Wait. Is Sollux interested in Dirk? Oh God what would you tell Dave?

“No KK. I’m not trying to hit hith brother. That wath a thtupid online crusth and it’s done and over now.” He is glaring at Karkat now and you could see the genuine offense in his face. You're relieved but concerned. This is probably a sore subject for him, so you stay silent and wonder what happened as the fight unfolds.

“A stupid crush that had you up every night for three months.”

“KK, raiding had me up every night for three monthth”

“Right, because you weren’t raiding to try and drown out your doubt and self hatred while your ‘senpai’ fucked the guy you hate"

"We aren't talking about thith Karkat"

The use of his proper name seems to shut him up and you can see he is biting his cheek to prevent the fight from escalating. Obviously this is something they’d been through together during their long friendship but you still feel like you’re over-hearing something you shouldn't be, or at least Sollux is acting like you shouldn't be hearing it. The charged air stills between them and you cough to try and defuse the situation. They both revert back to their food and you sit there, audibly buzzing. The silence that follows is guilty and you are trying your hardest to think of something to fix the situation.

“So uh. I mean. I dated a girl once.” Even as it came out of your mouth you felt stupid and embarrassed. It was enough however, to rouse Sollux, a spring bean hanging out of his mouth.

“Wow bro. Thank you for your input. Clearly you are the alpha male here.” The return to sass is unappreciated but welcome. Anything beats the awkward silence and sound of a desperate Dave.

“Hey! I’m a total heart throb! How many boys have you dated Mr.Super-College-Level-Boyfriend?” Your cheeks are flushing and you're not even totally sure why you're defending this. You haven't been attracted to anyone since your first and only girlfriend and you weren't even that attracted to her.

“Boyth? Two. In general, I’ve been in four relationthipth though.” He holds up two fingers on each hand and you quirk an eyebrow. You thought he was gay? You voice the question and he answers it with a nonchalant shrug. “I could go both wayth really” So he liked boys and girls. That’s new information for the Dave log. 

“Uh, how did you relationships end?” You’re sort of curious to see if there was a trend or something you should warn your bestie about, though, aloud the question is really personal and you regret it instantly. Sollux responds with a slight frown and then Karkat answers for him.

“Personal much? Maybe asking Sollux his age next, or even his weight would get you a warmer response? In fact why don't you just shit in his food right now and then ask him to make out? I'm sure he'd be into that. He's a fucking creep sometimes" he gives you a look and Sollux chokes on his tofu. Yeah, this was a dumb question. You watch the lanky boy as he re positions his trachea.

In an attempt to be subtle, he cleans his glasses through the last few coughs. You can't help but mind his heterochromia and the shit lighting of the food court illuminating his caramel face. His left eye is baby blue and his right one is brown with a crown of yellow around the pupil. You’d be lying if you said he wasn’t something to gawk at, at least without his eye-ware. Currently they were tinted slightly red, either from another restless night or the choking. You begin to wonder how he sleeps.

“I’ll come up for the weekend EB. Dave maketh thome fierthe BBQ” You stare for a second, taken aback by the sudden interruption to your thoughts. “Maybe then you’ll thtop thtaring at me like you’re planing to ravisth my candy ath.” You frown at him and he rushes to add something in "I'm not into that crap KK wath talking about b-t-dubth" Karkat snorts.

“I have faith in you man and I’ll be sure to let Dave know! Karkat are you sure you don’t want to come?” He answers by flipping you off, mouth still on his soft drink. “Okay fine, whatever. Sollux and I can play video games and watch shitty movies that only Dave likes and maybe, if we get that far, we can try some of the weird shit he's into-" Said boy sputters food at you in rage. "-while you stay at home and touch your stupid dick to Nicolas Sparks” You keep going before Karkat can join in on the angry sputtering. “And Sollux! Maybe you can explain what you do with Dirk in his study! You guys are working on something cool right?” both boys deflate and Karkat gives Sollux an impressed look, he returns it with an eyebrow waggling that could stump a speedometer. 

Surprisingly enough, you’re genuinely excited about this. You hoped Karkat would come up to Dave’s so you would have someone to talk to while you (hopefully) try to get Dave and his crush together and alone. You could probably just hang out with Dirk though, he is basically Dave with a script anyway. Man, you are the best wingman a bro could ask for. You’re pretty sure you could even get Dirk a boyfriend if he asked you to. You pulled out your phone and finally respond to Dave. His answer is one solitary “cool” but the paragraphs professing his hatred speak volumes. This asshole doesn't nearly appreciate you enough. 

You snicker and turn to face your companions- and are promptly hit with a pepper. They're both trying to flick food at you. The bastards.

Well, you were done with your fries anyway.


	3. Veggie Burger Combo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I am sorry that took so long to do. I've been busy with work and Christmas and bluhbluhblubhlubh. I'll try to update more often!

It is officially the weekend and you are helping Sollux load a few spare parts into your trunk, something for Dirk presumably. You had your gear, his gear, your In’N’Out burger, his grossly vegetarian burger and were ready for the three hour trek. You were silently congratulating yourself as Sollux talks at you over the car roof and you couldn't be paying LESS attention. You're more concerned about the schemes you've devised to get these two alone. You're ambitious as he flops into the passenger seat with your take out and you sit yourself behind the wheel. You two are off.

Twenty minutes into the drive, around the time you get onto the highway, Sollux slurps his drink loudly and you nearly slam the gas in surprise. You had been so consumed by your own thoughts that you forgot he was sitting inches to your right. Shit. Hadn't he been talking to you earlier? You had just ignored him completely in favour of your own thoughts. For half an hour. Good going Egbert.

"Tho, why doeth your car have a 'Baby on board' thticker on the bumper?" He stares at you uneasy, obviously making one hell of an effort to break the silence. Part of you really admires that he's pushing passed his social awkwardness in order to talk to you while the other part is still beating yourself up for ignoring him for 30 minutes. You turn back to the road before answering him in an embarrassed haste.

"Sometimes I take my daughter up to Dave's" he chokes on the fries he's been picking at, then you can feel him staring. Maybe you should fix that before he starts to think you’re an unwed father. "By daughter I mean salamander." The soft crunch of potatoes stops and a look over at his face confirms he thinks you're an idiot."She's like my daughter okay?" Sollux does not agree.

"No."

"What do you mean no? You cant tell me how to live my life! I’ll have you know I am a very responsible father.”

“You aren’t even a fucking father you deluthional doofuth”

You two rattle on for almost an hour, back and forth and back. He is convinced your odd pride over your pet is unjustified and stupid and you're convinced he has never known the love of another sentient being. This guy is such a tight-ass you understand completely why he and Karkat are friends. When the wit stops and the jabs fade, you two fall into a comfortable silence. You think it's content until Sollux breaks it again.

"You and DS are tho thtupid itth hard to believe either of you can function on your own." He doesn't smile but you can hear the humour in his statement.

"Hey, Dave and I are really smart guys. Me especially. And Dave is super cool! Not even in his fakey, not-real, pretend sort of cool either! He's genuinely a cool kid!"

"Dude"

"I mean sure he's sort of a giant tool and takes himself way too seriously, and the amount of selfies he takes could service a small nation as toilet paper for a year.... He's a great guy though! Honestly, he makes time for his friends, he's got one hell of a collection of dead things, he's smarmy and a douche but also really witty!" You're stop yourself from building Dave up further but Sollux stays quiet regardless. Was he processing the information? Maybe if you're lucky, he's realizing how hot he finds Dave and is now preparing himself for the inevitable romance before him! The thought of your dumb wing-man routine actually doing something spreads a warm feeling through your chest. Dave was going to have to watch so many movies with you to make up for this. The boy in the passenger seat is still silent. "Sollux?" His head snaps up and he looks at you in surprise. What if he was actually thinking about this the way you hope he is? He blinks at you, wipes his hands and removes his glasses.

"Oh, I'm thorry. Were you done? I figured I would wait for the thlurping noithe of you thucking hith cool-kid cock before I offered any feedback" This fucking guy. “I mean if you really think tho highly of him John, I promithe to let you thit in hith lap during movie time and when we all get into our high thchool muthical jam-jamth for pillow fightth and hair braiding, I’ll make thure you two get to make out firtht. Doeht that thound okay for you?” Sollux begins to snicker and you positive he's finding some amusement in your scowl. He thinks he's SO funny. His tongue is between his teeth and he's waggling his damn eyebrows at you again, egging you on. Honestly, how could one man have so much control over his eyebrows?

"Actually I'm sure you'd BOTH appreciate the dick more, so maybe you should just spend the entire weekend trying to one up each other's shitty personalities? Maybe the asshole that you are will respond to his own dick of a being. If you're into anal I mean."

"I'm not nearly ath into the act as you theem to be Egbert. All you've done ith ride thtrider'th thclong thinthe I got in your thtupid mini van."

"My mini van is a stylish new outlook on fatherhood and is sporty, cool and definitely not 'THTUPID'"

"OMFG YOU AREN'T EVEN A FATHER"

"MAYBE NOT BUT I HAVE ENOUGH COMMON SENSE TO SAY 'OH MY FUCKING GOD' INSTEAD OF SPELLING OUT THE INTERNET ACRONYM ALOUD"

He tosses a fry at you and you twitch in anger. That isn't his fry either. He's pretty much finished off his entire fakey, "not actually a burger" burger at this point, so that fry came out of your meal. This man has no pride. You decide that there is only one logical retaliation to his efforts.

You swerve the car on the empty highway and Sollux looks like he's about stain his shorts as he clings to the "oh shit" bar above him. When you correct the car and continue driving, he gives you a near feral look. You will never admit to anyone but yourself that this bony, malnourished loser was actually capable of making you sweat in fear. You feel it slide down your neck and your knuckles tighten instinctively. Maybe you took that a little far? He seems unreasonably upset for such a small joke. He always did seem to over-react in regards to dumb things but now it was scaring the crap out of you.

The car ride is quiet and tense until you see a sign for a gas station. Sollux tells you to pull into it and the tone of his voice as well as the way he's bent into himself makes you worried for both your sake and his. You both silently communicate that you'll switch positions as you climb out of the car and grab a pump. You fill up gas while he uses the rest room and when you come back from paying the clerk, he's seated in the driver'a seat. The unease and yelling has really worked up your apatite so you dig into your cold burger and fries immediately. The silence is only broken by the sound of paper bag as you watch him get comfortable behind the wheel.

When the car starts back up, Sollux is gliding along the highway like he's owned your dad-mobile for years. Driving in a straight line isn't particularly hard or anything but his changes in speed are unnoticeable. Your drink hardly even sloshes as you down the whole thing. When garbage is tossed into the back and the stillness of the air gets to be too much, you opt to turn on the radio. Clicking through a few presets, looking for something neither of you will hate, you realize Sollux is smirking to himself. It's bringing back the sweat and your hand shakes on the knob. After a moment of distracted fiddling, you realize the music playing is not the usual music. You're pretty sure you never had french opera saved to your car radio.

"Wow EB. Your tathte in muthic ith almotht ath awful ath your thenthe of humour"

"You changed all of my presets, _great_ prank! I've got CD's! And my iPod!"

You go to reach for the auxiliary cord and realize it's been removed. All of your CDs have been hidden as well. Sollux picks up his phone from the cup holder, clicks a button and suddenly your car is blaring with what Dave introduced to you once as "Crystal Castles", or as you had chosen to call it, "awful". Harsh static is booming through your speakers and you are genuinely concerned the wires might be frayed. The spit machine sitting in the drivers seat bobs his head and taps his finger against the steering wheel. This _fucking_ guy.

"I can't believe you didn't know your car had a Bluetooth thetting EB" his voice is like honey as it drips from him with disdain and sass. It's also a nice change from the bullshit you just finished listening to. More static pulses trough the radio around a beat and you audibly groan through most of the second song. This couldn't possibly be what you have to deal with for the next hour and change. Maybe listening to a few of them will get him in a friendly mood again? You wait out another three.

When you decide you've had enough and the entire album has played over, you move to reach for the radio, Sollux slams on the break and you nearly fly through the windshield.

"OH MY GOD SOLLUX."

"Jeez EB, be more careful! I'm driving you know? You really thouldn't dithtract me!"

"SOLLUX CAPTOR IF I DIE IN THIS CAR WITH YOU I AM GOING TO HAUNT YOU SO VICIOUSLY THAT BILL MAURRY WON'T BE ABLE TO HELP YOU"

"Ooooh. Ghotht buthterth referenthe. I think I made him maaaad. What'th wrong EB? Don't like electronica?"

"No, I just don't like YOU" you slink back into your seat and growl out " I can't BELIEVE he likes you of all nerdy weirdos." Unfortunately for you, the song had ended as you whined to yourself about Dave's taste in men. Sollux had heard that and you could hear your best friend screaming at you from his apartment. It was so coincidental, it felt scripted. "I-I mean-!" You try desperately to think of a good lie.

Sollux is quiet, staring at the road, his face neutral and emotionless. You whisper his name, trying to gauge how much you've screwed up the situation and he responds a moment later by tuning the radio into one of the presets. 80's music begins to pour through your speakers and he squints at road through tinted prescription lenses. 

"Tho. Dave huh?" You honestly don't know what to do so you sort of laugh like it's supposed to be a joke. He nods and runs his tongue along his top lip. "And thith entire time you've been wing-manning?" He doesn't look at you, you're thankful for it. "Tho why hathn't he called me then?"

"Pardon?" You don't quite know how to take that question. Was he genuinely upset that Dave hadn't called him?

"EB. John. If you knew he liked me that much, why didn't you tell him to call me? You know for a wing man you're terrible."

"Well- It isn't that easy Mr. King of relationships! You can't just show up, ask someone out and then be dating them! There's time! Schemes! Planning that has to go into it! You have to court your affections! That's how a proper gentleman does it!"

"Right. It'th a great thing I'm bathically garbage then. You know if he'd athked me out I would have thaid yeth, right?"

You sit quietly in the passenger seat taking in the information. You could have always just forced Dave to ask Sollux out, or pulled one of those quirky romantic comedy cliches that result in the couple being tricked into meeting or something. Thinking about it all sort of makes you feel like you missed a really good opportunity for some cinema inspired hi-jinx. You scowl and then turn the volume up on the radio. 

"Why didn't you ask him out if you were so ready to date him?" 

"Becauthe I liked Dirk for a long time and he knew that. I didn't want it to turn into a 'if I can't have you, I can thnag the next betht thing' thort of deal, ya'know?"

"But then wouldn't going out with Dave be a bad idea anyway?"

"Not really. I mean, if he athkth me out, Dirk can't really do anything about it. We're not together, tho why would he give a thit if I give hith brother a chanthe?" This is starting to make you nervous for a whole new set of reasons. "Don't get me wrong. I genuinely like Dave and I wouldn't mind going out with him, I jutht don't want to fuck up my relathionthip with hith brother, or make it weird between them. They're already thtrained like noodleth" You snicker at that, against your better judgement "I'm not a thtable perthon EB. The latht thing I need ith to ruin all of my relathionthipth becauthe I wanted to make out with thomeone" 

"That sounds really complicated for a simple date dude." 

"Yeah, well. I'm a complicated guy. Dave knowth that. I think."

"I think he does too. I think that's probably why he likes you so much actually!" You give him a sympathetic smile, not completely sure why you're sympathizing for him in the first place. It just seems warranted. You go to turn off the radio and he slaps your hand away. "Dude what-"

"I like thith band"

"Sollux this is the kind of music my dad listens to"

"Your dad hath good tathte." 

Those are the last words you speak to each other for the rest of the trip to Dave's. Sollux occasionally hums along with a tune on the station and you busy yourself with thoughts of Dave being happy and maybe Dirk crawling out of his own ass long enough to give his brother his blessing. The guy was sort of a stickler for social interaction. You let your eyes close as Sollux hums Depeche Mode under his breath. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully I'll be able to work on the chapters some time this week, I hope to keep the story relatively short, so here's hoping I don't pass 5 chapters!


End file.
